automatic poem 11/10/2024

There it is - 

Can it be?

Be mine?

No words.

Failure is not an option.

I wish I may - 

May I

Live alone?

A lion among men?

More than you know:

Victorious at last,

Life giving.

automatic drawing 10/19/2024

 

automatic poem 7/28/2024

Love American style, Yourself included; For richer and for poorer -  The choice is yours. Amazing graces Person to person. You and only you Are the one.

automatic drawing 7/1/2024 - colorado

 

automatic poem 7/1/2024

Nothing but the best,
Without additives.
Divine inspiration.
Will you join me?

automatic poem 6/22/2024

If you only knew

I love you.

Only thing I knew

Had you known.

A new world

Brain storm.

automatic drawing 6/15/2024

 

automatic poems 6/15/2024

Lions in winter
And their kin,
Tigers eyes
And ears.
Bears repeating
“Oh me oh
My oh.”

-

I’ll begin,
Get started.
You are next,
My followers.
Pretty maids
And valets.
Your move:
Little do you know
Dog days
Too late.

automatic drawing 6/8/2024

 

automatic poem 6/8/2024

And so i did,
There and then.
The peak of my career,
Wicked this way.
Old fashioned
Witch of the west
Stayed up all night
For crying out loud
A long time ago.
Good, better and best
Long as i live,
Time after time
And then again.
Did you ever?
She never did.
Ever didn't
Come out or in.
Out of time,
Not ready
Yet.

automatic drawing 4/4/2024

 

automatic drawing 2/25/2024

 

automatic drawing 8/29/2023

 

automatic drawing 8/26-28/2023

 

automatic poem 8/26/2023

Perhaps perchance 
They know too well: 
Are in for it, 
Not on your life. 
Stars fall, 
But not for me. 
Rather obscure 
Openings available 
In a split second. 
Heaven on earth 
Where art thou? 
The beat of your heart? 
Love it or leave it - 
Of course you do. 
Our course is charted, 
Lost in space. 
Ones own place 
Pours forth 
Through thick and thin 
And reappears, 
Shines down, 
Down and down 
Upon us all 
(Us and them 
To be honest). 
Let it be 
Us and we 
Know it all. 
They never saw it coming, 
Are in the dark, 
Happy together.

automatic drawing 8/25/23

 

automatic poem 8/24/2023

No nonsense
One way
Can do
Lay away
A day.
Hand made
On air,
Our promise
Dreams big.

automatic drawing 8/22/2023

 

automatic poem 8/20/2023

You again Do unto others, Not unto me; Know thyself, What ails you. Wars break out, Are ongoing: Going fast, On and on, Down and out - There you go. Where was I? The one and only Spirit of togetherness Meets his match. The rubber meets the road Bone dry.

automatic poem 8/13/2023

When the clock strikes

I think, therefore.

First one in,

Open heart, open mind,

My will be done.

Eyes on the prize -

Upon a midnight,

The life and times.

Morning becomes

Meadows

And away we go.

Look up!

Out and in:

Upon a time,

The sands of mine,

Beautiful, no matter

World in a grain.

I wish i may

Thank goodness,

God among men;

That, and the other.

I do believe...

Am i dreaming?

Alive at last.

automatic drawing 8/11/2023

 

automatic drawing 8/10/2023

 

automatic poem 8/10/2023

Enjoy yourself -
The golden rule.
Little by little,
Things come together
For your eyes only.
One in a million -
Day in and day out.
You try in vain.
May the force be with you.
Look around you;
Back and forth,
And so it goes.
Realize you're not the only one:
They did it too!
Were you dreaming?
The start of something big?
Big, like really big?
Things you cannot understand.

automatic poem 8/4/2023

Besides and between
The year of living dangerously;
Noble thoughts, noble actions, 
Art for art's sake, 
Of a feather, 
Getting warmer.
Things remembered
Done well.
There is a place - 
Is it nobler?
The way we were?
Noble is as noble does.
Art that illuminates:
Of the body
Leaving the body, 
Things we left behind, 
Undone.

automatic poem 8/3/2023

When, oh when

You asshole?

Realize your potential!

How now,

Perfect makes pitch practice.

Everything you ever wanted 

Is in the palm of your hand.

You try and try,

Will yourself,

Tilt against windmills -

Your slip is showing.

Head first,

Back down,

And so it goes.

Laugh a little

At the very least.

The time of your life:

Sky-blue and clear.

automatic drawing 7/27/2023

 

automatic poems 7/27/2023

All's well that ends well, The early bird catches the worm. News from far and near - That's what l’m talking about. Fit for a king, To have and to hold Print, cut, and book.

- Minx monsoon Felt like yesterday, Like a brother. A time to sew Way up high, To the moon and back! Think again About last night: Things fall apart That once were whole. Are you ok? Currently unavailable? Happening to me?

automatic drawing 7/20/2023

 

automatic poems 7/20/2023

Better get going Is what I meant to say A while ago. Heart-felt apologies Full of regret, Of the moment. Love is in the air more Than on my mind. A watched pot - Mind your manners, Filled around the edges. With that, I'll pass Knowledge of our ancestors. - Which is better -  Wolf or sheep's clothing? Will she or won't he Win a prize? The time is now! Fight or flight! In an instant, Your time is now! Heart to heart.

automatic poem 7/13/2023

Your mind is free 

Living as it will be,

Is contained and contains,

Determined to maintain,

Not predetermined.

So many ways:

Much influence

By confluence.

What emerges

Life converges.

Brings together

To the present moment.

You are that moment now,

As dynamic as flow,

By the time you are,

The moment is new.

Attitude adjusts.

You adapt.

Bring yourself to a new place,

To another point.

Life continues.

which one am i

recent events + circumstances have led to a bit of reflection within my family. while my mom was isolated in rehab after a car accident (she flipped the car), and we were processing my dad's tenuous grip on life over the phone, the subject of her three children came up. i asked her if it's fair to say my oldest sister is the "strong" one, and that my other sister (the middle child) is the "perfect" one ... she agreed in general. these are generalizations that have been in place for years in my family's culture. i've never really had such a designation to my knowledge, so I asked her "which 'one' am i?"

she didn't have a quick, easy answer. "you're ..." she thought about it. "you're like ... saint francis of assisi." too kind and not at all specifically accurate, but we were talking generalizations.

so, which "one" does that make me?

home remedy

tom-A-hawk's Gout-Out

in a small (4oz) juice tumbler, mix

- 2oz TART cherry juice (trader joes is best/best value)
- 2oz tom-A-hawk's ginger turmeric brew*

* tom-A-hawk's ginger turmeric brew
- 32oz ginger drink (i've used the ginger people's, r.w. knudsen makes a lemon-ginger-echinacea i've been using lately.)
- fresh ginger root, grated
- fresh turmeric root, grated
- teaspoon fresh ground black pepper

pour off 2-4oz ginger drink to make room, add grated ginger, turmeric, and pepper. let steep overnight.

attributed to karl rove, 2004

People like you are still living in what we call the reality-based community. You believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality. That's not the way the world really works anymore. We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you are studying that reality—judiciously, as you will—we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors, and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.

tom-A-hawk's law of #transit

tom-A-hawk's law of #transit - if you get to the stop w/ 5 mins to spare, the #bus is 5-10 mins late. if you cut it close AT ALL, bus is RIGHT on time, or a little early. 😤 @MetroTransitMN

last night’s dream

a reggae song, “alien dna,” performed by a black woman in a sunday hat, + her girls.

when things aren’t going as planned, consider that the way they are actually going will end up working out better.

last night’s dream

i am breathing the air, + walking barefoot on the sand, of mars.

last night’s dream

i’m on drag race. rupaul is irritated w/ me. 😞

post-9/11

in the ashes of the crashes
i found the gems of who i am
-tom-A-hawk, jr., 2001

recent dream imagery

cutting new tracks through snow, ripping up old 3x5 cue cards, refusing girl scout cookies that would trap me in a time loop ... all good.

new work

new work

new work

new works

Law of Jante

1. You're not to think you are anything special.
2. You're not to think you are as good as we are.
3. You're not to think you are smarter than we are.
4. You're not to convince yourself that you are better than we are.
5. You're not to think you know more than we do.
6. You're not to think you are more important than we are.
7. You're not to think you are good at anything.
8. You're not to laugh at us.
9. You're not to think anyone cares about you.
10. You're not to think you can teach us anything.

current iphone safari tabs:

"Noam Chomsky: Why the Internet Hasn't Fre..."

"Pot used to be pretty harmless, but it's plent..."

"A List of Fallacious Arguments"

"Anti-intellectualism is Killing America | Psyc..."

"The 200 Best Songs of the 1980s | Pitchfork"

"Now the truth emerges: how the US fuelled t..."

"The Subtle Linguistics of Polite White Supre..."

"Why So Many Americans Defend the Failed..."

"My BigMuscle"

last night's dream:

sunset, last night at a beach house, run to grab my board to get one last surf in. when i return, waves are now coming in huge from a new direction. so big they're draining and flooding the reef repeatedly, exposing/jostling a giant clay god. then i see that the waves have even uprooted the statue of liberty - she is adrift, hitting against the reef. she becomes animated, looks at me, points at me, then at the water. get in there, tom-A-hawk.

i also dreamt i had an arguement with someone for throwing an ukulele at me.

hau'oli makahiki hou kakou!

the 'wintery' hawaiian weather (rain, wind, cool temps) has sparked that old creative impulse i get when i spend time indoors feeling cozy and safe from the elements, even here in the tropics ... thinking about creativity, different ways i've kept myself creatively inspired and engaged over the years.  i've found myself in a job that could possibly end up being the last and main career of my life.  it is a potentially secure, reassuring feeling; but as a longtime believer in some form of 'alternative' culture i'm also feeling a little stifled, a little complacent - like i've stopped searching, stopped trying.  haven't played guitar in a long time.  not surfing and not working out seem to be part of it too.  i feel like i'm rapidly turning into THAT grownup.

i've made the 42-almost-43-year-old's new year's resolution to get back to the gym and back in the water; for my physical health, obviously, but also to help literally get the creative juices flowing, stir myself up.  i'm remembering that warm glow of endorphins after a workout, how it seemed to cast a golden light and balm on everything, even your thoughts.  a fleeting idea you may have dismissed in a flatter moment takes on new depth, detail, possibility.  exploring the idea brings that familiar feeling of pleasure from the internal reward system.  our bodies, our brains are supposed to work like this, on a regular basis.

so tonight i'm trying to blow on the coals of my imagination.  imagining myself physically active on a regular basis in the new year, yes, but i'm also going to try to do one or more creative things, tonight.

check out this line
 of guys on my
 grindr ... it's
 weird, yea? like
they're all the same
 guy ... or like
 they're a ghost ...

i dreamt about my ex last night. it was a variation on the dream i've had about him since the early days of our nearly 15-year relationship: i am in a social situation with him, and he does not want to be with me. this dream usually includes the detail that there is a cool/fun/sexy group that he is with, and i am not allowed to join.

yesterday tony and i were walking on kuhio looking for a cab after the beach. something drew me down that old route from the duke statue, across on uluniu and to the kuhio village. for what felt like the first time i've gone past the place since we split, i saw lights on in the studio apartment we shared, knew he was home.

next month will mark one year since he asked me not to contact him anymore.

the smell of lau'ae
in cool february rain
hawai'i winter

tom-A-hawk is at
his window, trying to coax
maunalani rain.

A post from my sister Pam on Facebook today:

"In recognizing the tragedy that was '9/11' and the sensitive feelings that surround the day AND the site itself: I can only imagine the continuing pain that exists in the lives of those who lost so much on that terrible day.  OPINION / BTW: burning Korans and protesting Islamic Centers represent the kind of simple-minded, jingoistic mentalities which incited the kind of hatred that caused 9/11 in the first place.

"We are not at war against Islam.  We are fighting to dissolve the power that terrorist organizations, many who FALSELY USE the banner of Islam to promote their own agenda, have around this world.  In this fight, we need all the allies we can get, which especially includes the overwhelming majority of the people of Islam.  They have the most power to influence their brothers and sisters to reject the extremist’s twisted views."

And I might add to this my own OPINION / BTW: The mistrust, suspicion and judgement that many Americans hold against Muslims may be part of why many Muslims, in an instinctual effort to protect themselves from persecution, remain silent to avoid becoming a target.  I think many of us in marginalized / maligned communities have been guilty of this kind of silence at one point or another in our lives, and we all have to work together to overcome it!

‎while all you leather sluts are at the folsom circuit party on saturday 9/25, tom-A-hawk will be fulfilling his 3-year dream of seeing 
dirty projectors, at 
the fillmore no less, then it's off to 
slim's for 
blowoff with big daddy bob mould ... yay!

aloha kaua from midsummer hawaii!  i'm in the middle of a three-week run of the show i'm in @ work - a "follies"-style revue directed by the legendary, notorious, one-and-only jack cione.  after getting through my stage jitters on opening night, i really am having a blast; but, i'm also still kind of shaking my head in disbelief at where my path has taken me over the last three years.  the other cast members have been very supportive and i'm getting great feedback from the audiences ... the experience has absolutely transformed me, in its own funny way.  

that being said, i AM looking forward to finishing our run next weekend, leaving behind the performance anticipation that's been humming in the background for weeks, and finally being able to fully relax into a summer mode.  more specifically, of course, to get my summer surf groove back.  now, in my ongoing surf versus turf dilemma, i have to say that my 'turf' activity - the show - completely takes up any 'surf' slack i may be fretting over, and i actually have gotten myself to waikiki a few times to rent a board for $5 from surfboard tom [who used to give our gay surf club a group discount at one of the main, legit beachboy stands back in the day], and enjoy some 'good fun' waves at canoes.  once i even ran into my ex as i was getting out of the water and he was going in - was nice to have surfing bring us together again like that, just like it used to.  

but south shore wave season is upon us, and it looks like there's a nice little swell rolling through this weekend: 3'-7'+ faces today, solid 3'-5' tomorrow, slightly kona [southerly] winds at a very gentle 5-10mph, so i see a sunday surf in my very near future, "sCrunGE!" friends!  

since i moved to kaimuki it's been more difficult to get myself out surfing.  when tony asked me what i wanted to do for my birthday this year my immediate answer was to spend a long weekend at a hotel in waikiki and surf every day, like i used to do.  that's what we did, and it was great, but my birthday, february 8th, was the last time i went surfing.  turns out there is a world of difference between living within walking distance to your break and living far enough away that a vehicle is required to get you and your board to the water.  

i have access to a truck for the time being and i still don't go.  i think my challenge now is to grow my relationship to the ocean and my sport into something different from what it was for so long: the backbone of my relationship with steve, who was my partner for 15 years, now my ex.  i got used to surfing being the thing that defined and bonded us, and i was accustomed to the way we went about it.  making the choice to leave that relationship ultimately meant cutting myself off from that lifestyle, and that lifestyle WAS hawaii to me for so long.  now every time i go out it's a new, almost unfamiliar experience again; actually, finally being in the water is a comforting relief - it's the getting there that i'm having trouble with.  

when i first started drifting away from surfing frequently, it was the rainy winter of 08/09.  i was getting my garden started in aina haina and explained, to myself as much if not more than to others, that i was taking a break from 'surf' to work on 'turf' ... it was catchy and it worked.  i was, after all building a beautiful vegetable garden with an ocean view, and i don't really like to surf in the rain.  in the time since then my new relationship with tony took off faster than i ever planned or expected, and i've been able to extend the 'turf' concept to include all the hard work we've done over the last year to find and 'build' a place for ourselves.  first things first, and we've done pretty well so far.  i'm in love with our home, which is, despite the lack of a true 'yard,' and no offense to my parents or my ex, the nicest place i've ever lived.  

since we started settling down here we have started getting back to the beach.  i haven't been surfing, but i've been getting in the water regularly and that's really what it's all about: swimming with angelfish and rolling around in the shorebreak, relaxing on the sand with beach lunches + beers.  we go to kahala beach and look at the sweep of ocean and mountains from diamond head and black's point past koko head to maunalani heights and say, "this is our neighborhood."  we go to waikiki and mix with awestruck, elated and sometimes very cute half-naked tourists and say, "this is where we live."  

so i realize i AM growing my relationship to the ocean and hawaii.  it IS transforming from what was an idealized daydream of a distant escape to what is now a reality i wake up to every day.  all along as i've observed the distance that has grown between me and surfing - the core reason i moved to hawaii in the first place - i've never gotten down on myself too much, i think because i know that the distance is made of all the other good things i'm growing for myself here.  i have faith that i will return to the surf when i'm ready, and when that happens, crossing the distance won't be a challenge, but a joy.  

i've been telling myself that i'm going to write a real, live, full-format 'blog post this spring, and here it is. born of the type of blustery, stay-indoors night that used to inspire them back in minneapolis ... plus i'm listening to the current. =]

the wind and the rain are expressing the same dynamic between winter + summer, cold + hot that always marks this time of year.

fully expressed weather like this bonds me to my place, unifies my neighborhood in a common mood, a shared experience.

as this bond grows, i have been slowly growing my enthusiasm for the garden, now a carefully distributed collection of container plants: out back a collection of many different types of orchid arranged with lau'ae and bromeliad growing out of a log among other plants, under a row of bonsai with a buddha theme on the top of the backing wall, all visible from our bedroom window ... up front a group of prickly desert sentinels guards the front door - tall leaf-crowned cactus, large, just-bloomed aloe, recently re-potted lime.

bamparmy: RT @In4mants Anybody thats going to be near university this thurs the 24th. Blue Scholars instore perform. @TooGruvs 430pm

from: babyG >

from: antonio >

SEGER: march 26,
1992 -
september 18,
2007 ... 2 years
without my little
love ... "i set you
free, you're a
part of me" ...

Lots of bright

lush fruit in the

nose, ripe but

not cooked;

some game +

spice as well, +

even banana.

This carries

though on the

palate; juicy

cherries and plums,

but not jammy or

sweet. Smoky

tea notes, soft

integrated

tannins. Long

finish. Really

good, especially

for the price,

drinking very well

now.

status update >

jcat has 1 more
session @ his
creating happiness
seminar then he
has tues free again.
YIPPIE!

status update >

from: phil
is it rude to want
to wear one
black glove to
show MJ
mourning?

from: tia >

>FRUITFLY 2mrw
nite fri jun 19 @
39hotel w/ local
girl NYC
transplant DJ Kim
Ann Foxman (of
Hercules & Love
Affair) ...

as i was walking to the beach yesterday, i saw a small clear plastic bag on the ground.  i walked a couple steps past it, then turned around and picked it up.  i walked a bit more, then i saw some garbage cans at the top of someone's driveway.  i walked a couple steps past them, then turned around and tossed the plastic bag into one.  when i turned back to keep walking, there was a small mango that had fallen from a tree on the ground in front of me.  i picked it up and kept walking.  yes, i think hawai'i was thanking me for picking up a piece of rubbish.  thank you, hawai'i !

bike power

i just updated the link for  " 'sCrunGE!' online: 2001-2006 "  under 'cliquey' in the right sidebar on this page ... i built my 'blog on a free, dorky msn groups page and even though i don't use it as an active 'blog anymore since i moved to blogger in '06, i had it lovingly organized and accessible as a time-capsule of that era.  then early this year i got an email from msn telling me they were closing down their groups service.  i kind of had to know it was going to happen at some point but i thought - i don't know, it IS msn ... anyway, so i followed their recommendation and 'migrated' my site over to a new free service called 'multiply.'  it took a few tries and a little coordination with their service staff but i finally got it done.  so now the old 'sCrunGE!' is still pretty much preserved - but it's a mess.  it's like they took a file cabinet full of carefully ordered documents and dumped them all into a box.  the new link i've provided gets you to the best starting point to explore my old musings [go all the way to the bottom of the page to click into more pages], and i'm trying to look on the bright side by appreciating how the experience is now much less linear, creating the opportunity to discover unexpected, forgotten, or previously overlooked gems from the mind of tom-A-hawk past ... enjoy.

wow

1 o da residents i
work w/ had a
stroke + all she
can say is wow ...
wow wow wow.

jersey swap ...
[from jake - who
says he wants to
see the 'swap the
jockstrap' version!]

watch out dudes
- summ-A-hawk
is comin back:
surf, swim, yoga,
weights, bike,
hike, beach ...
tom-A-HOT is
more like it !

from: antonio >

Fun; fun; fun:
that should be
your motto
today.
Unessential
chores or duties
should be
postponed for
another day!

ha'iku

rain rain stay 1 day
rain rainy kaneohe
rainy rainy day

HAPPY EASTER !

status update >

Kasey says
hooray for Iowa!

status update >

Ricky says "Who
knew? Iowa is
more progressive
than California!''

status update >

Phillip thinks
"Iowa, I didn't
know you had it
in you. Perhaps I
will complain less
as I drive
through ... ''

status update >

Kelly-O reports
the Iowa
Supreme Court
unamimously
struck down the
state's gay
marriage ban
today ...

status update >

Phillip couldn't be
more excited
about da Rock da
Garden lineup
announcement
at 4pm ... Mary
Lucia, don't let
me down !

status update >

Phillip is starting
the No Booze, No
Caffeine, No
Meat, No
Sleeping in
challenge:
http://howsaboutlivingbetter.blogspot.com ...

status update >

Kung says
"Kiss me I'm
Thai-rish!!!"

status update >

Phillip agrees,
myspace is for
cutters.