since i moved to kaimuki it's been more difficult to get myself out surfing.  when tony asked me what i wanted to do for my birthday this year my immediate answer was to spend a long weekend at a hotel in waikiki and surf every day, like i used to do.  that's what we did, and it was great, but my birthday, february 8th, was the last time i went surfing.  turns out there is a world of difference between living within walking distance to your break and living far enough away that a vehicle is required to get you and your board to the water.  

i have access to a truck for the time being and i still don't go.  i think my challenge now is to grow my relationship to the ocean and my sport into something different from what it was for so long: the backbone of my relationship with steve, who was my partner for 15 years, now my ex.  i got used to surfing being the thing that defined and bonded us, and i was accustomed to the way we went about it.  making the choice to leave that relationship ultimately meant cutting myself off from that lifestyle, and that lifestyle WAS hawaii to me for so long.  now every time i go out it's a new, almost unfamiliar experience again; actually, finally being in the water is a comforting relief - it's the getting there that i'm having trouble with.  

when i first started drifting away from surfing frequently, it was the rainy winter of 08/09.  i was getting my garden started in aina haina and explained, to myself as much if not more than to others, that i was taking a break from 'surf' to work on 'turf' ... it was catchy and it worked.  i was, after all building a beautiful vegetable garden with an ocean view, and i don't really like to surf in the rain.  in the time since then my new relationship with tony took off faster than i ever planned or expected, and i've been able to extend the 'turf' concept to include all the hard work we've done over the last year to find and 'build' a place for ourselves.  first things first, and we've done pretty well so far.  i'm in love with our home, which is, despite the lack of a true 'yard,' and no offense to my parents or my ex, the nicest place i've ever lived.  

since we started settling down here we have started getting back to the beach.  i haven't been surfing, but i've been getting in the water regularly and that's really what it's all about: swimming with angelfish and rolling around in the shorebreak, relaxing on the sand with beach lunches + beers.  we go to kahala beach and look at the sweep of ocean and mountains from diamond head and black's point past koko head to maunalani heights and say, "this is our neighborhood."  we go to waikiki and mix with awestruck, elated and sometimes very cute half-naked tourists and say, "this is where we live."  

so i realize i AM growing my relationship to the ocean and hawaii.  it IS transforming from what was an idealized daydream of a distant escape to what is now a reality i wake up to every day.  all along as i've observed the distance that has grown between me and surfing - the core reason i moved to hawaii in the first place - i've never gotten down on myself too much, i think because i know that the distance is made of all the other good things i'm growing for myself here.  i have faith that i will return to the surf when i'm ready, and when that happens, crossing the distance won't be a challenge, but a joy.  

i've been telling myself that i'm going to write a real, live, full-format 'blog post this spring, and here it is. born of the type of blustery, stay-indoors night that used to inspire them back in minneapolis ... plus i'm listening to the current. =]

the wind and the rain are expressing the same dynamic between winter + summer, cold + hot that always marks this time of year.

fully expressed weather like this bonds me to my place, unifies my neighborhood in a common mood, a shared experience.

as this bond grows, i have been slowly growing my enthusiasm for the garden, now a carefully distributed collection of container plants: out back a collection of many different types of orchid arranged with lau'ae and bromeliad growing out of a log among other plants, under a row of bonsai with a buddha theme on the top of the backing wall, all visible from our bedroom window ... up front a group of prickly desert sentinels guards the front door - tall leaf-crowned cactus, large, just-bloomed aloe, recently re-potted lime.